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Thursday, April 21st, 2005
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5:41 pm - I thought this was weeks away
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I know you are all as shocked and angry and frustrated as I am.
I feel extra frustration, and I know I shouldn't, because it's my own fault. I'm not frustrated by my feelings, really, more like I'm frustrated that I can't manage to express them the way I'd like to. I can't just tell him I love him. I can say that to friends like Janay and Jessica and Judd and Bo. But not to him. Because if I said it to him, it would be different than saying it to anyone else. It would mean something different, really different.
And YOU, don't you dare feel bad about making me feel this way, because I wouldn't trade these feelings for anything. I'm happy to be able to feel this way, to know what it's like, and I'm happy that you care so much about me and that we're such good friends. I'm only frustrated because I just haven't been able to tell you to your face and I had to resort to this.
Part of what helps me be happy about it, happy to just be able to feel like this, is seeing tangible evidence of the deep love that two of my friends have for each other. Seeing how happy and in love they are gives me hope that maybe I'll have that someday, too. In the meantime, I know what it's like to love, and to be cared about an awful lot.
current mood: disbelieving
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| Friday, April 1st, 2005
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7:14 pm - I can't blame the alcohol
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I can't blame anything, not the stress of Idol in general or seeing a lot of my friends going through some really weird stuff or being all starstruck the last two nights or anything. It's just all my head being really weird.
Yeah, this is another serious post with no serious icon to go with it (Thanks, Judd! You really are a sweetheart), and not an April Fool's post, either. Some of you guys are pretty damn funny. Con, you actually had me for a second. Yours was the first post I read right when I got back to my room and was still full of beer.
So yeah, Wednesday night and last night especially I was pretty much Aloha Gone Wild. I'm not totally sure why. Some of it was being starstruck. Let's be real, one of the hottest actors ever and some legendary musicians, plus the hot actor's honey, who is a really cool lady plus another hot actor with an even hotter accent. It was like a dream that I kept expecting to wake up from like every five minutes.
The weeks since I got voted off have been really weird. For a split second this morning I thought of going home, but I've made promises to friends and I'm going to stay, unless they flat out tell me I'm too annoying and they want me gone. I'm in this kind of Purgatory or Limbo or something, on the edge of things. I'm a Reject, and sometimes I feel like the only one. I've been going to rehearsals and hanging with Judd a lot, but Judd has Bo. Travis isn't around so much lately and those of you still in the competition are busy and I don't want to intrude on anyone and break your concentration or cut into your practice time or whatever.
I didn't know how much I cared about one person in particular, and how hopeful I was about possible things in the future with that person, until I realized that it would never happen. That's all right, because it doesn't change our friendship, and that's the most important thing.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have someone, even though I know that's not true. I love being around Judd and Bo, I think they are such a fun and adorable couple, but yeah sometimes it's kind of hard. Kimberly's married, Mikalah has a whole harem, and everyone else I hardly ever see. Not that I was interested in that one particular person I mentioned above because I just wanted someone, because that person is very special.
A lot of this I didn't really realize till this morning when I woke up and looked at the two autographs I collected. What an obnoxious fangirl I must have seemed like, and I apologize to you guys who had to see me like that, especially my autographer. I must seem just like almost every other girl you meet on tour.
I feel really all over the place. I've just kept to myself today, thinking. I haven't really gotten anything figured out, just a lot of rambling like this. Maybe I mostly just wanted to say that I hope you guys aren't too pissed at me and won't be afraid to be around me know.
current mood:  weird
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| Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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2:35 am
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| Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
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2:54 am
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Finally I dragged Anwar out for a little dancing last night after rehearsals. Not that I really had to drag him, but you know. First we talked and got our misunderstanding-that-wasn't out of the way and then we went to a place that was big enough and dark enough that he wouldn't be recognized, plus he tucked his hair up under a hat, which I was disappointed about because he does have the best hair ever (Sorry, Bo, and hush, Judd, if you want me to help you fight off the flatirons tonight). At least we didn't have to worry about me being recognized. We had a really good time, it was great to just go out and have fun and laugh together, besides that he's an incredible dancer, but you all knew that already. I think a bunch of us should go out later this week, like maybe Thursday or something. Maybe Mario and Lindsey will be back by then?
Judd, you don't even have to ask. No, but it's cool.
current mood:  dance-y
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| Monday, March 21st, 2005
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12:53 am
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Yeah, I'm not leaving yet for St. Louis. I have all my life to be there if I want to and only a couple months to hang out with you guys. I have to be able to beat Travis at chess, then I'm going to take on Anthony. I also got invited into MBP, which is pretty darn cool. I haven't had the guts to really say hello to anyone not associated with AI because I guess I feel kind of like Judd does, that I'm not a celebrity, I'm just a girl who can sing and dance pretty well and I got a good break. I'll stick around Los Angeles as long as I can and be the best Den Mother possible. Y'all know where to find me if you need something.
current mood:  bouncy
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| Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
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11:56 pm
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I'm not good at figuring out cryptic or subtle. I think it's because I'm so optimistic that if someone isn't really direct, I can twist what they say and do to mean whatever I want it to mean. Someone can just be friendly, and I'll read all kinds of meaning into it.
I should probably go home to St. Louis. I think I'm rocking the boat too much here and doing more harm than good.
None of my icons go very well with this post. I should have made a serious one.
current mood: uncertain
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| Sunday, March 13th, 2005
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11:06 pm
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Mario, you know you are welcome in the Reject Room with Travis and I if you still want to stick around here, even though of course you aren't a reject. You know how to find any of us no matter where you are. We support you and your decision whole-heartedly, even though we'll miss you like crazy. Only you can decide what's right for you.
The part of me that's conflicted is the part of me that's happy that Nikko gets another chance. He's my homeboy, he and I have been friends since we auditioned together in St. Louis. So one friend goes, by choice, and another one gets to come back.
I hope no one's going to be mad at Mario for doing what he had to do, what was right for him. I hope no one's going to hold it against Nikko that he's in the Top 12 rather than Mario.
current mood:  conflicted
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1:15 am
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Today Travis and Judd and I went on a Big Awesome Reject Adventure. Travis wanted mini-golf, Judd wanted to be superheroes, and I wanted the beach and needed to go shopping because I promised I'd buy Connie the five pounds of sugar that he wanted.
So we went to Wal-Mart and they had these great huge beach towels on sale and Judd said they would make perfect superhero capes, so we all bought one. Mine has big parrots in palm trees on it. Judd's was SpiderMan, and I'm still not sure what the hell Travis's was, but it looked cool. Of course it looked cool, everything looks cool on Travis. Then I decided that we really needed big R's on our chests, you know, R for Reject so I bought some blue material that's about the same color as American Idol blue. And little black eyemasks. Why do superheroes wear masks, anyway? It's not like they're the bad guys.
And I bought so much Easter candy because I love Easter candy, so there's enough for everyone. I bought Connie his five pounds, lots of pastel chocolate but no Cadbury creme eggs for him because he doesn't like them. I love those things! And lots of bags of tiny Easter boxes of Nerds especially for Judd and Bo, because, you know. And so many marshmallow peeps because they're fun to play with in the microwave. Everyone tell me what you want, or just stop by the Reject Room, coz I got everything. I also bought a string of flamingo lights and a string of palm tree lights and put them up in the Reject Room. I hope Travis doesn't care if I sleep with them on. Any time any of you 12 needs anything from the store or whatever, just let me know, that's part of my den mother duties. Besides that I love shopping, no matter what it's for.
We went to the beach and wore our cape towels but not the R's because, you know, the guys didn't have anything to pin them to, and I'm not going to suggest covering up nice manchests anyway. I don't think anybody knew who we were, because why would some AI rejects be still in LA acting like dumb kids on the beach. It wasn't like it was real crowded this time of year. Plus the masks. Yeah, like that really makes much difference. I wouldn't let them sing, though. I made Judd wear sunscreen. I think I got it on his back pretty well, but sometimes it's hard to tell. We built this huge sandcastle, Travis is really good at sandcastle design.
After it got dark we went to one of those big entertainment places that has everything. I cut out big R's and we safety pinned them to our shirts. Nobody asked us what they meant or even really talked to us, I guess we looked to weird even for LA. I made them try pizza with pineapple and that fake crab meat. LA does not have good food like New Orleans or New York or even St. Louis, but I thought we should try something different anyway. It was pretty good. Then we played mini-golf and Judd and I found out why Travis wanted to play mini-golf so bad. He's good! I mean like really good. It must be that awesome body English. Boy practically dances on the green, and the ball's probably so swoony that it just wobbles right in.
It was a really great day, and I needed one of them. Thanks, you guys. I managed to forget for a while about my failure on Idol. I know, I know, it's not really a failure, but it still feels like that some days. And my failure in other things this week. Those weren't really failures, either. Stuff that I didn't do as well with as I wanted. Can't do everything perfect I guess. Thanks all you guys who have been so good to me and den-mothered me, Judd and Travis and Connie and Mikalah and Bo. Jessica and Anwar, I've missed you two a lot. That's one of the hard parts about being a Reject, having all this extra time.
current mood:  superhero-y
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| Thursday, March 10th, 2005
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10:36 am - Message from your Den Mother
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Amanda and Travis, you're both welcome to stay here in the hotel with me in The Reject Room. It's a lot of fun, alcohol, no curfew, no rules about visitors. I know everyone would love to have you stick around here.
You 12, congratulations!!! I really do think this is the best group ever, and I'm so proud to be your den mother. Just let me know when you need anything from the store or a little advice or whatever, coz I can do that. I've got a good track record so far. Who's next?
current mood:  maternal
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| Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
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2:03 pm - What A Wonderful Anwar
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Last night Judd was my escort to the show and of course we had a great time. One of my favorite parts was when it was Bo's turn. He was great, of course, but I also sometimes watched Judd watching Bo, which was adorable. You could see how he felt about Bo right there on his face. It made me want to pinch his cheeks even more than I usually do. After Bo left the stage Judd just kind of sighed with this awesome goofy grin on his face. I hope I find someone like that someday, someone who makes me feel like that.
My other favorite parts... let's just say that I can't decide if in my next life I want to come back as Constantine's mic stand or Anwar's. Can I be both? It's funny because they're so different from each other, different music styles and different personalities, but they're both really great guys. Last night Anwar owned, though. I was about ready to throw my bra to him, but that wouldn't have been very good for his Nice Guy image, and poor Judd would've had a conniption if he, you know, accidentally saw any girl parts. I tried not to be all melty all over Judd but I think I might have leaned my head on his shoulder a couple times when I was dreamysighing. Sorry, boyfren. It won't happen tonight at least, unless I look at the guys on the couch too much. This week it was so much more fun to watch the guys than before, because I could just kick back and enjoy it and not worry about how I was gonna do the next day.
So I just now before starting to write this watched tape back. There was this weird glitch in the VCR that made the last 15 minutes or so twice. Really weird, I have no clue how it happened. So I did all my silly fangirlyness and now I can't quit eating pixie stix and Connie will probably think I'm hitting on him again. I'm so not. He's just hot when he's performing.
Okay, chicas, you hit it tonight!!
current mood: fangirly
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| Monday, March 7th, 2005
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2:52 am - Kick some butt, boys!
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I'll be makin' chicken broccoli alfredo and brownies for lunch today at the Reject House, a.k.a. Judd's old room before he shacked up with Bo moved out of it. I want you all to come say hi. Some of you promised me on Wednesday night that you wouldn't forget about me, and promised to comment spam, but I don't see much of it! Papi, Anwar, Juddith, Mario, Mmmikalah, Mami!!!, where are you all?? Well, okay, Judd, I know where YOU are. Now send me some comments or I'ma pack up my chicken and go home to St. Louis and get ready for some Cardinals games.
Okay, for reals. Well, that was for reals. You know what I mean. See, I've been hanging out here in the Reject Room mostly watching movies and reading romance novels. I know, how typical, huh! I've been embarrassed to talk to you guys, even though I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I'm embarrassed to go home, too. But thanks for dragging me to dress rehearsal tonight. It was hard to not be with the other girls, but I'm glad I was still there somewhere and got to see you guys. I'll be there tonight, too. There's no way I'd miss it, you guys are just too good.
Tuesday night is gonna be a lot harder for me, but I'll be there too, and Wednesday. Whoever has to go on Wednesday, there's lots of room here for you, I cleaned out all of Judd's boy germs, but I don't mind if there are new boy germs or girl germs or both.
I wanted to write this big nice post about how much you all mean to me, but I just can't right now. I hope you guys have a pretty good idea, coz you all mean a lot, and that's part of why I don't want to leave.
current mood:  okay
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| Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
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6:56 pm
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Thank the Lord for Judd and the Reject House.
I don't think I'll be able to say too much right now without, you know, I can't even say it... but thanks all you guys. Luv ya.
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4:06 am
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Mario, please remind me again not to pay attention to fan boards or the media? The first one is sayin how all I ever talk about is food, and the second one is sayin that I must "know something" about the results or something because I hired an entertainment lawyer. What? Of course I hired an entertainment lawyer. I knew it was something I'd need, and then someone posted about getting advice from someone to get really good agents and lawyers. That makes total sense. So I hired one now because like my Granny says, there's no time like the present.
It's pretty hard after last night being one of the ones who did worse than the first week, not better. I know I didn't do so hot, and I can't blame bad sound mixing or going first or not having very many songs to choose from or "oh, I did better in rehearsals." I didn't bring it when the time came, and that's what counts. I hope I did well enough to not be voted off this week anyway, but there are some people who deserve it more than me. Like if Jessica or Nadia or Carrie was voted off and I wasn't, I'd be really pissed because all three of them are better than me right now.
Your den mother has been quiet, but that doesn't mean she ain't been watching you all. Don't think I don't see some of the things that are going on, you naughty boys especially. I'ma be keepin my eye on you.
Now I'ma go make some chicken enchiladas and keep my fingers crossed.
current mood: poultry-ish
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| Saturday, February 26th, 2005
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10:10 am
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I haven't been able to write anything since Wednesday night, which is pretty crummy of me since I'm not one of the ones who has to go home. Judd honey, I'm so so glad you're staying around here! You'll be the perfect den mother for the reject house. I know you learned it all from me.
So by now everyone else has said everything I would have said. So instead I'll say that Bo gave me his brownie recipe and special ingredient. I'ma make some today and everyone can have some. Then maybe I'll make some gumbo or something, because that helps almost anything too, just like chicken soup.
current mood:  dorky
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| Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
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5:28 pm
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I wrote this a while ago today, but LJ has not been playing nice and wouldn't let me post till now. Now I'm backstage and these days there are computers everywhere, thank goodness.
I like to be happy. Most everybody likes to be happy, except for some people who are happier when they aren't, like the seriously brooding people, like the artist type people who are more creative when they have some bad shit to work with, and that's cool. But I like being happy and I like helping other people be happy, and that's part of why I love music so much. Music isn't all about being happy, but a lot of it is. Judd told me I'm like everybody's den mother, which is funnier since I'm kind of young, I just turned 19. But like Jared is trying to get the cajones to ask a girl out, and Judd wants some cool stuff, like undergarments, not vegetables, thrown at him. Not that he's had vegetables thrown at him, but just to be clear. And me, I'm a sucka for romance and I just gotta have thumb in everybody's pie, so I been all Auntie Aloha, givin advice and stuff. I know, pretty funny from somebody so young, huh?! But boys are one thing I know a lot about. Um, not like that. Okay, I think I know, but really I just like giving my opinion.
My opinion is that most people look for big stuff to make em happy. Stuff like winning a competition or getting really good grades, or going on a really fancy date with the hottest guy around, and then they focus on that and forget about all the good little everyday things like just the joy of singing and learning something new and laughing with a friend. That's the stuff real life is made of, so why wait for something big? I'd rather be happy everyday.
Which brings me to the donut thang. There's been a little buzz from the fan boards, which I mostly ignore, when they're about me, anyway, but you know how you hear things, about "oh, she so does not need another donut!" and I think, you know what baby? I'm not skinny but I'm healthy and happy. My body does what I want it to and it likes dancing or playing basketball or whatever for a long ol time. I hate so much that women, especially, guys too but not as much, are taught to hate their bodies. When someone tells us we look nice, it's polite to say "thank you" but if you don't say "oh no, I look a mess!" or "uh-uh, I'm soooo fat!" then a lot of people think you're full of yourself and a bitch and a diva. Really, I guess it's okay if they think that, because they're all true at times. But it just makes me so mad that girls aren't allowed to admit that they have nice legs or are pretty or whatever. I know I have nice legs, fat but that doesn't mean they aren't nice, because fat isn't necessarily bad. I'm kind of cute, depending on what makeup I'm wearing and my mood. I like donuts, and I'ma keep on eatin em and keep on dancing.
Thank you so much to everyone who's talked with me and laughed with me and encouraged me here. I don't know if I'll be here after tomorrow. Everyone's good, so it's hard to know. I hope I will be because you all are awesome.
current mood: bouncy
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| Monday, February 21st, 2005
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11:09 pm
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I am so proud of you boys!!! I hope us girls can do even half as good. You all did well. I agree with Randy that this is definitely the best group of guys. Each of you would have been the top guy in Season 1.
There's so much more I want to say, about your performances, about our (the girls) rehearsals, about different cool conversations I've had with people in the last couple of days, but I'm so tired, so it's all gonna have to wait. I know, really sucky entries so far, huh? Everyone stir up the votes for me tomorrow night so I'll at least have another week.
current mood: happy
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| Sunday, February 20th, 2005
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8:50 am
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I guess if you spend too much time practicing, that's how you lose your voice. Maybe your mind too, because Aloha's not good at all work and no play, even though most of singing is like play, but media appearances and all are a little different. So I'll be here and have a little social life. Hi y'all!
It's time to go to church now, but I'll be back later, promise.
current mood: blessed
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